Friday, August 6, 2010

Is It Ever Going To Happen For Us????

Last night was a hard night. I asked my husband if we could do an IUI this month since my period is due to start any day now and he begins to cry and say "Don't you want me to be in a better place" That was a big NO!! I have been waiting to have another child since my precious Madeline passed in Novemeber. I CAN'T TAKE THIS!! THIS ISN'T FAIR. So many baby loss moms are getting pregnant and I want that too. My husband and I have been trying naturally, but I have NO FAITH because it never worked for 2 1/2 years. It still isn't happening we need to do an IUI why won't my husband understand. I'm not getting any younger. I'm going to be 34 in November and I always heard that it is much harder on your body the later you have children. THIS IS NOT HOW MY LIFE WAS TO HAPPEN.

My husband has been diaginosis (sp) with being mildly depressed and is currently taking medication. He want's to be in a better place. I GET THAT!! But I think he is scared. He is ok with getting pregnant naturally. I think it is because he knows it won't work, and an IUI is out of his control once the injectables start and they inject his sperm. The medicine we have exp. at the begining of December, so this is another month lost. I want to do this for us and the biggest reason for MADELINE. She was always going to have brothers or sisters.

I guess I always assumed that the guy would be wanting to continue and try again as soon as possible. Not my husband. I'm the one that wants to keep going-He is scared he will lose me, something will happen with the pregnacy. I'M SCARED TOO. But, I'm willing to put myself in that position.

I have gotten to the point were I'm mad at my husband I don't want to be, but I don't know how to put the feelings aside and just relax and let it happen when it happens. Now my husband is saying he is not good enough for me, I'm better off without hm etc. etc. I love my husband so much I can't imagine being with anyone else. I'm just tired of waiting every month for him to decide whether or not we can do an IUI. This is in his hands and I have no control:(

Thanks for listening to me venting!!!