Friday, October 22, 2010

I am a mom, I'm not

Don't know if it is just a hard day or what- but with Madeline's first birthday approaching I feel so much more sensative these days. Today I felt like I wasn't even pregnant last year, like it was all a dream that I was ever pregnant. I know I have a daughter but really. I had to stop and think today my life would not be this way if she was here. I feel like I'm just going back to old routines staying up late, watching tv til all hours things that I did before Madeline. I felt like I was a mom when I was with her in the hospital, but now I feel like I was never pregnant a year ago preparing for a baby. WTF!!!

Anyone else have these feelings after their loss?!?

Monday, October 11, 2010

I month away til the year anniversary

Well today is Madeline's 11 month birthday. I can't believe in a month she will be 1 year. I can't believe a year is coming up so soon. I can't believe it. I don't want it to come. On top of having my birthday the day before, this isn't what I wish for my birthday-to not have my baby to hold and celebrate with. This sucks!! Can I get through this without her? Madeline, mommy misses you so very much!! I love you sweet girl-Happy 11 month birthday!!!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Happy But Not Me!!

AAGGHHHH So a friend of mine just had a baby today and I'm happy for her but pissed at the world that she had a perfect, wonderful pregnancy but not me!! I think what pisses me off is that friends have babies that are smaller then Madeline weighed and evreything is just fine for them. Gosh I'm so mad, mad, mad.

On top of that, going to see a therapist and it has been 10 months and still not pregnant, my husband can't move past the grief he is so scared to do an IUI. It dosen't happen for us naturally get that through your head honey-please, please I want us to be pregnant. I miss Madeline too, but the biggest way to honor her is to have brothers and sisters for her. PLEASE PLEASE!!

I'm so lost our marriage is strained. I need to know how to get through the disappointment month after month of not moving forward with a pregnancy.


Daddy really needs your help.
He is really feeling guilty about not being at home right away the night you were born,and can't get over the guilt.
There is nothing that mommy or daddy could have done differently,we got to the hospital as soon as we could.
you are not in any pain and I know that Nana and Papa are taking great
care of you till we see you again.
Maddy, daddy needs your strength right now.
Please help him out.

I love you princess!!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Is It Ever Going To Happen For Us????

Last night was a hard night. I asked my husband if we could do an IUI this month since my period is due to start any day now and he begins to cry and say "Don't you want me to be in a better place" That was a big NO!! I have been waiting to have another child since my precious Madeline passed in Novemeber. I CAN'T TAKE THIS!! THIS ISN'T FAIR. So many baby loss moms are getting pregnant and I want that too. My husband and I have been trying naturally, but I have NO FAITH because it never worked for 2 1/2 years. It still isn't happening we need to do an IUI why won't my husband understand. I'm not getting any younger. I'm going to be 34 in November and I always heard that it is much harder on your body the later you have children. THIS IS NOT HOW MY LIFE WAS TO HAPPEN.

My husband has been diaginosis (sp) with being mildly depressed and is currently taking medication. He want's to be in a better place. I GET THAT!! But I think he is scared. He is ok with getting pregnant naturally. I think it is because he knows it won't work, and an IUI is out of his control once the injectables start and they inject his sperm. The medicine we have exp. at the begining of December, so this is another month lost. I want to do this for us and the biggest reason for MADELINE. She was always going to have brothers or sisters.

I guess I always assumed that the guy would be wanting to continue and try again as soon as possible. Not my husband. I'm the one that wants to keep going-He is scared he will lose me, something will happen with the pregnacy. I'M SCARED TOO. But, I'm willing to put myself in that position.

I have gotten to the point were I'm mad at my husband I don't want to be, but I don't know how to put the feelings aside and just relax and let it happen when it happens. Now my husband is saying he is not good enough for me, I'm better off without hm etc. etc. I love my husband so much I can't imagine being with anyone else. I'm just tired of waiting every month for him to decide whether or not we can do an IUI. This is in his hands and I have no control:(

Thanks for listening to me venting!!!

Monday, July 26, 2010

I'm Doing Fine

I just got off the phone with my mom and I try to not let the comments hurt me but what she says does and I tell her. My family and I just got back from a two week cruise(I advice not going on a cruise for two weeks with your family) Way to much togetherness. Anyway the trip was hard. I didn't think it would be that difficult. The trip was planned after I lost my precious Madeline, so she wasn't going to be joining me anyway-I mean I wouldn't leave my precious baby to go on a crusie. Spending time with my daughter beats any cruise I could take. Well the trip started out bad. I get stuck next to a lady with her baby, she is sitting next to me loving on her child while I'm facing the window crying quietly. I couldn't even switch seats because the plane was full. It just went downhill from there. Way to many small children on this trip. I was trying to get away and relax and that didn't happen. Babies, small children in my face and I couldn't get away-aaggghhh.

Well, my mom thinks I'm slipping backwards beacuse I was crying sitting next to a women on the plane with a baby and then crying when I see babies on the trip. I tell her I'm doing fine. I cry then pull myself together, little triggers-this is normal. Then she is nagging me about having more children. I want to have brother's or sister's for Madeline but my husband is scared to continue. This is KILLING me. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I'm going on 8 months and want to be pregnant, but it isn't happening for us. My therapist says there is nothing I can do right now except focus on myself. I'm tired of that I want to be pregnant. Why can't I get my husband on bored?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Not Happy Tonight

Just found out one of the girls from my work had her baby. This pisses me off. Every single one of these ladies were worried with what happened with my perfect pregnancy to end up with a placenta abruption days before my due date. And look at them they all had no issues and a perfect pregnancy and delivery-AAAAAGGGGHHHH.


I'm tired of waiting for my husband to get on board and continue our family-I'm at a stand still right now.

Madeline mommy needs your love and prayers for daddy


Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day

Well today is my husband's first father's day(the dog counts but a real father's day)To make things worse I am traveling and can't be there with my husband-he is alone going to visit his daughter by himself. I feel horrible. I did buy him a World's Greatest Dad balloon that I will have blown up when I get home plus a frosted cookie that says Dad. I just feel horrible I can't be with him. Today is already going to be difficult. Another first we will make it through.

Mommy and Daddy miss you everyday
We love you and are so proud of you!!
all our love princess,
mom and dad!!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Does Anyone Else Have These Feelings

I'm so happy for all the mommy's that have welcomed their rainbow babies safetly into the world, but I feel like it will never happen for me and Matt. We tried for 2 1/2 yrs. for our precious madeline and I guess I have no confidence that it can happen w/o the help of medicine. I just wish my precious Madeline was with me and that when the time comes she could meet her brother's or sister's.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Happy 7 Month Birthday Princess!!

Mommy and Daddy love you so much princess!!

Monday, May 31, 2010

Summer begins without my baby

I had so many plans for sweet Madeline this summer. She was going to go visit her great-grandmother in Chicago, go visit the land of Lincoln etc. I know she is with my in spirit but it isn't the same. Madeline mommy misses you so much. I love you.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Happy 6 month birthday princess!!

My beautiful daughter would be 6 months today!!!

Mommy and Daddy miss you so much Madeline<3

Monday, May 3, 2010

Watch What You Say!!

Ok, so this weekend I was shopping with mom at Bath and Body Works and the lady in the store was speaking with a co-worker about how excited she is about mother's day next Sunday with her new born. I feel like she just knew that she was purposefully trying to jab me in the heart with her comments. I mean I feel like there should be some kind of sign and people should watch what they say. I know that this is a completely ridiculous request, but it makes me feel better. I hope MD is not as hard as I'm making it out to be.

I miss you Madeline
xoxoxo Mom

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Missing Madeline

I'm very proud of myself that I have entered the world of blogging. I have been wanting to find ways to honor Madeline, and I thought to myself I have never blogged in my life maybe I should start. Here goes...